Previous article in this series: May 1, 2014, p. 349.

In our last article we began treating those qualifications of the office of elder that relate to his family life. The elder must be “the husband of one wife” and have “his children in subjection with all gravity” (I Tim. 3:2, 4; Titus 1:6).

In that article we asked whether God requires the elder to be a married man and a father. We concluded that God does permit unmarried men, as well as married men without children, to be elders.

But more must be said about these qualifications. What, positively, do they require?

“The Husband of One Wife”

As we already saw, this phrase can literally be translated “of one woman the man.” The phrase indicates that the relationship of the elder to his wife must be one of sexual purity and of holy and faithful devotion.

The emphasis falls on the word “one.” In Paul’s day, polygamy was common. Some converts from heathendom had more than one wife; others with only one wife had a mistress or two on the side. Is it any different in our society? It is the nature of sinful males to seek many female lovers, both literally and in fantasies.

The elder may not be such a man.

Positively, the elder must have the high view of marriage that it is a sacred institution of God. In a day in which this holy institution is undermined, the church must speak highly of marriage, and consistories must promote it in accordance with God’s Word. This calling of the consistory is emphasized in Article 70 of our Church Order: “the consistories shall see to it that those who marry, marry in the Lord….”1 The elder must have a high view of marriage also because he will have to work with married couples who are considering divorce, or with unmarried people who argue that cohabitation and premarital sex are not sin in God’s eyes. He must be convinced of their error, in order to admonish them regarding it.

(As an aside, but worthy of more than a footnote, it might once have been unthinkable that some in Reformed churches would argue that premarital sex is pleasing to God. But Harry Van Belle’s contribution to the article “Sex, Intimacy, and the Single Person” [The Banner, July 2013, http://www.thebanner.org/ features/2013/06/sex-intimacy-and-the-single-person] destroys any such illusion. Van Belle says: “Whether Christian single people should or should not practice premarital sex is a question that may have been relevant two or three generations ago, but the situation today has changed.” And: “Better criteria for evaluating people’s sexual behavior, I suggest, are maturity and commitment. Whether or not to engage in premarital sex should depend on the strength of the personal maturity of single people and on their level of commitment toward one another.” Also, see Prof. Barry Gritters’ comments in his editorial “The Persistent Sanctioning of Sexual Sins by Reformed Churches,” in the September 1, 2013 issue of the Standard Bearer.)

Now do you see why an elder must have a high view of marriage in general?

Furthermore, the elder must have a high regard for his own marriage. He must realize that his marriage vows bind him for life to his lawful wife. He must give evidence that he loves her with a kind, patient, selfless love, patterned after Christ’s love for His church. This means he must be faithful to his wife not only sexually, but also in all other areas—supporting her physically, financially, and emotionally, dwelling with her according to knowledge (that is, knowing her well), and being patient with her in her weaknesses and afflictions.

In the very lives of her elders, to say nothing of their work, the church must see men who stand against the devil’s attack on marriage and the family, and who enjoy the blessings of the man described in Psalm 128.

The Elder’s Rule of His House

Another qualification is that the elder be “one that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity” (I Tim. 3:4). The latter phrase explains the first: he who has his children in subjection with all gravity is one who rules his house well. At the same time, although the text doesn’t say it explicitly, the elder must also rule his wife well.

The house-rule of the elder may not be the rule of the iron fist. Some men imagine that the silent obedience of their wife and children testifies that they rule their own house well. In three ways, God indicates in verses 4 and 5 that He does not have in mind this kind of rule.

First, such men do not rule “well,” that is beautifully and honorably, because they insist that their will be done in their home—regardless of whether their will is reasonable, follows from biblical principles, and is best for the family. The inspired apostle speaks in I Timothy 3:4 of the kind of rule that manifests itself in serving those whom one is ruling. The Greek word translated “ruleth” indicates that one is a superintendent, but also that this superintendent is a guardian or protector, one who is ready to care for the weak and give aid to the needy. The elder must not be the kind of man who says, “Be quiet and do as I say; I’m the boss,” but one who makes decisions based on what is best for his wife and children, having investigated their needs. Thus he serves them.

Second, the kind of man described above does not rule “well,” because he does not promote a happy home. Sometimes men mistake the prompt obedience of their wife and quietness of their children for meek submission, when in fact these reveal their unhappiness and even their fear of the husband and father.

Third, God gives the reason for this qualification in verse 5: how a man rules his house indicates how he will rule in the church of God. God’s church needs elders who attend to the needs of God’s people, and who seek to administer Christ’s rule, rather than men who seek to impose their own will on the people.

It follows that the house-rule of the elder must be one that promotes peace and harmony in his family life. His children are “in subjection,” that is, obedient and submissive. They honor and respect their husband and father (the idea of “with all gravity”); and while their obedience is not perfect, it is willing rather than forced.

The house-rule of the man that indicates that he will rule well in God’s church:

• must proceed from the experiential understanding that as he rules his house, so does Christ rule him: not harshly and self-seekingly, but lovingly and gently. His experience of this motivates him to rule others this way.
• will be according to God’s Word, with its teachings and law. The elder will require that his wife and children conform to God’s will for them, and will promote their obedience for God’s glory.
• will manifest gentleness and love, mixed with firmness, when addressing the sins and weaknesses of the members of his household. His goal in addressing the sins and weaknesses of his wife and children will be that they grow in a life of gratitude to God, and enjoyment of covenant fellowship with God.

A man whose house-rule is not this sort should not be considered for the office of elder.

The Elder’s Children

I Timothy 3:4 says that the elder’s children must be “in subjection.” That is, they must be obedient and submissive children. Even so, the point of the verse is not to say what kind of children they must be, but what kind of father they must have. The father must act in such a way as to promote submission.

Titus 1:6 speaks more directly to the kind of children they must be: “having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly.”

The meaning is not difficult. “Faithful” children are believing children who are faithful in a life of obedience and gratitude to God. They must not be riotous, giving themselves over with pleasure to the base sins in which the ungodly live. And they must not be unruly—unable to be controlled. The idea is not just that they cannot be controlled physically, but that they refuse to be guided by God’s Word.

While the meaning is not difficult, this does give rise to some questions. Why is a man’s qualification for office affected by how his children live? And, how bad must a child be before a man cannot be considered qualified?

To answer these questions, we must see again that the children’s behavior is sometimes an indicator of how their father raised them, and their sins are an occasion to see how he deals with sin in others.

The point of this qualification is not to say that a man who has an unbelieving child is unqualified for office. We recognize that even to believing parents, God at times gives children who cast off the faith of their fathers and are ungodly. When a man has such a child, but has other children who are faithful and godly, the church has evidence that the man has taught his children. And when the man does not ignore or defend the ungodliness of his child, but responds to his child’s unbelief and ungodliness according to biblical principles, the church may judge such a man to be qualified for office.

When the unbelief of a child is a result of the parents’ noticeable lack of diligence in instructing or raising the child, or when the parents do not condemn the ungodliness of the child, the church is to judge the father unfit for office.

Some Disqualifications Are Temporary

These qualifications for office also underscore the wisdom of not putting in office for the present a man who is experiencing some turmoil in his family life. Perhaps the man served well in the past. Perhaps, in time, he will again serve well in the future. But if at the moment he is dealing with an unruly child at home, or if his relationship with his wife is under some obvious stress at the moment, the church does well to pass him by as a potential elder for the time being.

For one thing, the man has enough to deal with in his own personal life. The church will not be helped by giving him more troubles to deal with at the moment.

And, if it comes to the point that the consistory must deal with his home situation or his unruly child, it helps neither the man nor the church to have the man present as an elder at a consistory meeting.

Some men, for reasons known only to God, will never be an elder in the church on earth. Others ought never to be elders because they are unfit, by the standard of I Timothy 3 and Titus 1. Still others are not fit for a time.

With that, we conclude our examination of the elder’s relationship to his wife and children. But Scripture also speaks of his relationship to others, those outside his home. To that we turn next.

1 The Confessions and the Church Order of the Protestant Reformed Churches (Grandville, MI: Protestant Reformed Churches in America, 2005), p. 400.